the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
