Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
