batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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