I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
