Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
