the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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