im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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