Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize