why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
