I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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