i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
