I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
