Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
