Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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