who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
