I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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