You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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