Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize