I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
