so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize