She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
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