my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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