Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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