and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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