BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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