The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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