Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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