Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize