someone threw a dead crab at me
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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