Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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