I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize