dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize