I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
