if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
