So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
