Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
