It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
