I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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