Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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