Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
