god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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