The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
