i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
