I'm so fucking centered right now
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
