and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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