The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
