I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
