when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
