Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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