I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
