Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
this hospital has no fireball
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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