I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
