The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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