Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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