when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize