Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
