I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
