There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
